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My updated beauty routine
Housekeeping:
As a pre-remix bonus track, “Guess” is firmly and indisputably Charli xcx’s best song. Billie Eilish’s verse adds nothing to that, in my eyes, and I’m frankly sick of watching Billie Eilish walk around touching her chin like Darrell in “Can I have your number.” It is great fun, however, watching The Dare’s celebrity ascend, so I won’t complain any more.
ICYMI, I wrote a guest column about theme park food in Meals Meals Food.
In 2022 I wrote a post as if I were interviewing myself for Glossier’s blog INTO THE GLOSS. It’s unclear if this is still a widely known website, but it publishes profiles of z-listers about what serums they use. Fran Magazine does an annual version of this which I always look forward to, as
is my favorite celebrity. We have similar hair too, which means my routine also always needs updating. My entire life, in fact, is structured by an ever-evolving stream of goops and medicines from Sephora and Mark Cuban’s CostPlusDrugs. This is not fun. It requires so much time and effort, sometimes I avoid leaving the house so I can get “getting ready for bed” over with sooner. It is expensive and complicated, requiring doctors and cocktails of oils and gels. I have 10 white t-shirts because, sometimes, putting effort into choosing a shirt after spending an hour in the bathroom makes me cry. None of this can ever change, however, because I am a canonically beautiful woman. By which I of course mean this:
Skin
If I could buy Accutane at the store, I would be on it continuously for the rest of my life. It had life-altering, amazing, permanent effects—my hormonal and everyday acne is 85% better, overall—but after experiencing skin-on-Accutane for 5 minutes I have emotional trouble regressing. On Accutane, I never had to wash my face with soap and every makeup product looked smooth and normal. No sunscreens burned or felt greasy. It was easy to resolve textural and tonal issues with drugstore products and my hair never felt dirty. Now, while my skin is “better,” I have to wash it more than 2 times a day and my carry-on liquid bag is always bursting with stopgaps: if I lose focus, look away for just a moment, I will get pimples. This is where the horrors start.
If I’m going on a run in the morning, I will wash my face with the CeraVe Foaming Facial Cleanser when I wake up, because if I don’t I will break out. But, if I’m not going on a run, I will just rinse my face with water, because I’m going to shower after breakfast anyway, and then the double wash is superfluous and puts me at risk of excess dryness. Are you having fun yet?
For runs I only wear sunscreen and prefer the Dr. Jart + Every Sun Day Mineral Sunscreen SPF 50+: it’s thick enough to endure running in 90 degree sun but doesn’t irritate my eyes. If there’s no run, then the torture resumes in the shower, when after the CeraVe cleanser I also use PanOxyl 10% benzoyl peroxide cleanser, which I also use on my chest and arms for keratosis. There’s really no reason benzoyl peroxide should work for that, but it does for ME. Post-shower there is one major update: I don’t moisturize, and only spray hypochlorous acid everywhere like it is water falling from the sky.1 If I’m going outside, before I do I will put on the Paula’s Choice RESIST Youth-Extending Daily Hydrating Fluid SPF 50 (oh brother). I like a few sunscreens, but this is my favorite because it feels like nothing.
I have tried every sunscreen and every makeup remover on the market, and while my preference for the latter is more fickle, there is only one makeup remover that is worth any money, at all, and it is very expensive and from a brand called “Farmacy”—c’est la vie. I don’t so much as “double cleanse” as get un- and re-ready as needed: if I’ve been wearing makeup for more than 6 hours, I will reset my face with the Farmacy and CeraVe, get re-ready, and then un-ready again before bed. I have tried to fight my way out of this with products to “revive” a face “day to night,” and I have lost the battle and the war. As long as I wash my face less often than I was brushing my teeth when my dentist told me to stop brushing my teeth (I was brushing my teeth 6 times a day), I will be fine.
Bedtime: night shower, always. CeraVe and PanOxyl. Hypochlorous acid again, let it dry. Now it gets complicated. Tretinoin is a powerful drug of which I have 5 tubes at all times. You are supposed to use a pea-sized amount for your face and neck. I use a nickel-sized amount for my face, a pea for my neck, and a dime for my chest and arms. I use so much tretinoin every night, it makes my skin feel like chewing gum until the product dries into paste, which itches and makes me want to kill myself. I then, against recommendation, use clindamycin (antibiotic) lotion as moisturizer, which I have to meticulously press into my skin so that the tretinoin doesn’t pill underneath.
If I have any sort of blemish it gets some combination of benzoyl peroxide gel and patch (I like these for nighttime, and, if I’m just working from home, these for daytime). Once my body is moisturized (CeraVe Cream) and skincare is done, I put so much Aquaphor on my eyes I can’t see and use the excess on my lips.
Hair
The revelation in my last beauty post that I wash my hair every day scared my friends, who regularly ask if I’m “still doing that.” I only started washing my hair everyday because it is easier: my hair is curly and meticulously cut, so washing it doesn’t require any arduous re-styling. Washing it everyday just eliminates doing math: am I working out today; is it too hot/windy to wear a hat; is it frizzy; what do I need to do to fix it. The only complication is that my hair is getting longer, which makes washing it more eventful and expensive, but also opens doors for what I can do when my hair isn’t clean. I can braid it, which I haven’t been able to do since I cut my grown-out blonde hair off during COVID, and I can put it in horse-like ponytails. I can also wear it down with hats and not look like a teenage boy.
I still wash it most days, but sometimes I don’t. I am also still addicted to the Neutrogena Clarifying Shampoo, which I alternate with the Function of Beauty Wavy Hair Shampoo. I only ever use cheap conditioner from the drugstore made of chemicals because everything else makes my hair too stringy—not greasy, not heavy, not oily: stringy. Maybe the conditioners everyone loves would work if I were willing to separate curl patterns or comb them or whatever “curly method” girls on TikTok do, but I don’t think so. Let me tell you something right now: every single girl who makes instructional videos about “curly hair” has bad hair that looks like a dirty helmet because their hair is stringy. My philosophy on curly hair is that you have it or you don’t, and if you have to spend 20 minutes getting water all over the floor because you’re twirling hunks of it into ringlets cast in goo, maybe you should go back to the drawing board.
After I rinse the conditioner out, I wring out excess water and rake Living Proof Curl Cream root to tip before scrunching with as many dry hand towels as I have to get as much moisture out as possible. Then it’s about throwing 2 claw clips, 2 hair ties, and a hat into my tote bag and hoping.
Makeup
I only wear makeup if there is a risk of my photo being taken or I feel over 70% uglier than normal.2 The Smashbox mattifying primer is pretty good and comes in a cute travel size, so when I’m anywhere important that’s what I use. If the Fenty mattifying primer came in a smaller size I would prefer that, but life is rarely easy. What happens next is entirely dependent on weather and activity. If I’m going to be sweating for whatever reason, there is no point in putting on anything anywhere except under my eyes. In this situation I layer the MERIT foundation stick with NARS concealer (Soft Matte and Radiant Creamy are completely indistinguishable to me), careful only to put it on the bottom half of my under eye circles so there is nothing directly under my eyeball to crease and make a mess.3 If I’m not going to be sweating and/or am not tan, I really prefer the combo of Haus Labs foundation, which I use as sparingly as concealer, and NARS concealer on my nose and under eyes.4 Blemishes usually always get some Haus Labs and NARS, plus the e.l.f. pressed powder foundation. Everything always gets set with the Laura Mercier translucent powder, which is the most military-grade powder I’ve ever tried.
I go through phases with bronzer and blush, because at this point in the makeup process I am tired.5 The Tower 28 cream blushes (I have Happy Hour and Rush Hour) are the right amount of pigmented and easy to apply, but I have yet to find a bronzer I care about. Most cream bronzers go muddy, and most powders are either too warm or cool. Never too bold.
Eyebrows are the most important part of the whole thing. I brush them down and draw hairs in the one sparse part with Brow Wiz (still!) because Medium Brown is an exact match to the color of my eyebrows and every other product is too gray or red. I stick them in place with the Anastasia gel, which is also the only good product on the market that doesn’t pill or turn a weird color or just not work.
ILIA Limitless Lash is my favorite mascara because it holds a curl and doesn’t come off with rain or sweat, but it’s easy to remove. The problem is that it smells weird and bad like poison, so while it’s drying I get really mad. I also like Covergirl Lash Blast, but the non-waterproof comes off too easily and the waterproof stays on my eyes for 2 days.6
My lips are always dry—likely due to the tretinoin avalanche that befalls them each evening—so “lipstick” is a tough thing for me to get into. I am also constantly drinking water, so any complicated lip lasts however long it takes me to arrive at my destination, where I will then drink Coke Zero and water until I leave. This has led me to the LANEIGE (I have Berry and Grapefruit) and Tower 28 lip balms (I have Shake and Coral), which double as color and moisturizer. In colder months I will take the time to stain my lips by applying and wiping off drugstore liquid red lipstick (any) until it looks like I am fun and not miserable, then top it with Aquaphor.
Honorable mentions:
I use Gold Bond “Rough & Bumpy” on my legs in between shaving and it makes them cartoonishly smooth.
The Tower 28 serum concealer is excellent but the tube is too big and I’m always traveling, i.e. living out of Ziplocs. I only switched to MERIT because it’s a stick which is easier to travel with.
In winter, the Living Proof Flex Hairspray can really save my hair from losing steam .
I still like MUGLER Alien and the Glossier perfume that comes in a cute solid. “Fragrance” is otherwise entirely out of my pay grade.
For old blemishes, cuts, or dry patches, the Hero Rescue Balm can be miracle-esque.
I rarely do my own nails, but if I do I will only use ella+mila. If you prep with a dehydrator and their base, the color can last over a week, chip-free.
–as told to myself
Cutting out moisturizer except as-needed has made me less oily and less acne-prone. I rarely feel dry. I also cut out Vitamin C, because I can’t find one that seems to do anything short-term, and I am impatient.
This is what it’s like when I feel ugly:
My all-time favorite under eye concealer is the Dior Backstage Flash Perfector, but the packaging and applicator are some of the worst pieces of plastic to ever be produced. If you pack it in a bag, it will leak all over the bag.
Careful with the colors of Haus Labs, whose names don’t correspond to reality.
Same with highlighter, which I only need in the winter. I’m liking the ROSE INC one that is out of stock (sorry). I don’t do contouring anymore—who am I trying to fool.
I am basically completely off any other eye makeup, because I don’t think it looks good on me. It’s the one thing I forego not out of convenience but as a genuine aesthetic decision.
This is the most stress-inducing writing I’ve read in weeks.
my big crazy beauty update (no one asked) is that I've almost completely stopped using any kind of curl cream on my hair in the in-between ending my shower and getting out of the shower. maybe I will throw a little argan oil on there, but otherwise I just put my hair up in a towel and let humidity take over. I think once the air is less disgusting here I'll return to the fold of hair product but everything I use right now is too heavy for me to be having a good time.